#fatfreefloozy

Yep! I am 21 weeks pregnant now. I had a scan last week and I have a very active little cherub in there. I have put on a shitload of weight but I am also swollen up like one of those water caterpillar things you step on and they pop. Everyone who sees me says, "Have you seen your midwife about that swelling?" And I say "yes" to keep the peace, but the honest truth is....I haven't had time to book in to see a midwife yet! I am hanging out for the holidays so I can laze and put my feet up for awhile. They cannot come soon enough, I'm telling you. My eating? Well, I am constantly hungry and can eat lots more than usual. I am eating pretty healthily (except when I NEED a bowl of rice bubbles for lunch!) but just a lot more and I don't know how to regulate that when I haven't got a band and I am genuinely hungry. I am still going to the gym 4 times a week but can no longer do sit-ups or step-ups, but my instructors are awesome and keep adjusting stuff for...

Missing: Blogger I know that in my last post, I was very excited to become a diligent eater, exerciser and blogger and then………I realized that I was pregnant! Yep! Happy 40 th birthday pregnant! I thought I’d be one of those statistics of people that left my run too late but my body obviously had other plans. Now, being pregnant in your 40s is no sunshine and rainbows moment. In fact, I have spent the last 3 months petrified of everything that has happened. 1 week after my period, I had this funny moment with my eating. I went to the gym and did a workout and I got home and beat two eggs together with 1 tablespoon of light cream, I chucked it into the microwave, grabbed it out and ate it up. But, I was still hungry. So, I got up and grabbed 2 more eggs and did the same thing again. And I ate it all. And, then I knew, I was pregnant. Seems weird, but after having a gastric band for 5 years, I KNOW exactly how much I can eat and my two eggs is normally right on the edge of my fu...

So, as of Friday, I was still 83.3kg, so that's awesome. This morning I have signed into a new PT with an ex-Millitary guy who specialises is boxing. It's with a small group of girls that I don't know, but I feel that I am fitter and ready for the challenge. Our gym works in a good way in regards to PT - you book a trainer and a time for $70 an hour and then you share that cost with whoever you choose to have in your group. So, for me, I get three different trainers per week with three different groups. I have a group with my two nieces, my sister in law and my best friend, so that costs us $14 each, I have a group with "the ex bootcamp girls" and that only costs us $12 because there are a few more of us, then I have a group with my sister's best friend, her daughter and my nephew, which is a bit more expensive because there are less of us. It works pretty well. The group this morning advertised on Facebook for extra members to cut their costs down and I jumpe...

I hit my lowest weight for this year! 83.3kg. Actually, I haven't weighed less than this since the 13th May 2015 - almost a year! I had bootcamp this morning and personal training this arvo and so Wednesday is the day that I don't count calories, so I am not going to weigh in tomorrow morning. I'll leave it until Friday! 82.4kg - come at me!!! That is my next lowest weight! The last time I weighed under 82kgs was 11th July 2013. I told you my body was REALLY happy and comfortable at this weight! But, it feels SO good to be moving again. And since being banded I have never hit the 55kg loss mark, so that is definitely my next major goal. And when I hit it, I am definitely going to get inked!!

Not in mood. But in weight! My paleo is finally starting to catch up with my body and this morning saw a weigh-in of 83.5kg. I had a chat to my personal trainer to get some nutrition and training advice and he said "keep doing what you are doing, it is obviously working". I think mostly I am scared of those massive gains that just happen for no reason. My weight went up 2 kilos after I had a shandy for Anzac Day. My body is stoopid like that! But, I'll take the downwards movement and in 0.1kg, I'll have my lowest weight this year! Hugs, FFFxoxo

I REALLY tried to post on the weekend, but my login disappeared from the computer desktop! I promise!!!!! I used to get this forbidding sense of dread on Sunday night. This real sense of not wanting to face Monday. Monday is by far, my busiest day and it drains me. I go to work at 8am and have no time off all day. Even my lunch break is taken up with volunteering to take a band rehearsal. From 3-4pm I have rehearsals for a production I am putting on (I am director, musical director and choreographer!) At 4:15pm, I head to another community volunteer band and teach drums (I don't even play drums, but I can read the music and they needed someone). At 6pm, I have footy training (Did I mention that I have signed on to play footy for a local AFL women's league?) And I get home at about 7:15. Now, I know that some people work 12 hour shifts, but being "on" for 11 hours, pretty much does me over. Tonight I decided to skip footy training. I bought a coffee at 7:30ma on the...

There is something just wonderful about sharing this journey with people. And this blog is crucial to that process. So, why does it constantly take a back burner? Well, because I am very much that person that doesn't want to let anyone down, so when given a list of things to do, I do the ones that influence other people first. So that I'm not letting them down. This blog really doesn't hurt anyone but me when it is not complete. And therefore, it comes last. I just looked back and realised that I haven't blogged for three weeks or something and I was amazed. Where did that time go? That brings me to things that I tend to compromise on all the time. My friend cooked me pasta the other day, and I ate it so that I didn't have to tell him that I don't eat pasta anymore. I was so worried about offending him that, I just ate it. And I felt sick afterwards. But I didn't let him down. I don't talk about my diet/lifestyle or change to ANYONE. I am so scared of b...

I am actually really enjoying this lifestyle! Had my weekend away and at both Hog's Breath and Thai,  it was relatively easy to adapt to a Paleo meal. Hold the Rice. Bake some sweet potato instead of chips. Done. And, I am down to 83.9kg. So, it seems the lack of dairy, grains and legumes is agreeing with me. Another 200g loss will see me at my lowest weight for 2016. Yee hah! Crossfit and I are starting to come to terms with each other too. I think it helps that I am in a massively supportive group. We had a partner workout Sunday, which would be way out of my comfort zone (especially since I got paired with a dude!) but he was just so sweet. He praised everything I did and helped when my technique wasn't quite right and egged me on until the end. I am not sure if these two things are the "what" that I have been looking for, but for now, they suit me just fine and I will see out the 30 day Paleo challenge to confirm or deny it. Hugs, FFF xoxo

Well, Im doing good. Well, except for the paleo pop-offs. I was NOT ready for that. My rule @ school for my students is to leave the classroom to "let fluffy off the chain". In ten years, I have not once farted in front of my husband. And I've told him that if it ever happens, he can expect a divorce the next day. Ever since my Year 11 Physics teacher explained the theory that the smell was poo particles drifting up your nostrils, I have had a zero tolerance policy. So, I was not ready for what a change of diet would bring "down there". Normally, when I feel the urge to pop, I get up, walk outside, move away from the house and do my airy business, then return. Well, let's just say, I have been spending more time outside than in! I've gone from 1 pop-off walk a day to about 10!!! However - in 4 days I have a 1.2kg drop on the scale, so not all's bad! Geez, I am missing milk like crazy though! This next two days will be a problem though! I am tr...

30 Days. I am in need of inner strength for 30 days. It doesn't seem so difficult, but when you are 50 kilos less than you used to be, it is so easy to make silly choices.  "I have been eating like this and maintained a 50kg loss, so one cookie won't hurt" "You had no breakfast, you can eat that spoonful" "You are 50 kilos less than you were, you deserve to drink that cocktail" The problem is, although happy with my size, I'm not done with my shape and my fitness. I'm not ready to show my tummy to anyone but my hubby and I certainly can't run a kilometre without stopping for a bit.  This is definitely the time where I am no longer relying on the band at all. This is up to me. This is what I put in my mouth.  I went to the Doctors and got my blood work done and she suggested that my levels looked like I could be Coeliac. I did some reading and the best thing to do - eliminate grains for 30 days and see how I feel. So, that is ...

Last weekend I took a trip with my nephew, hubby and Dad to see Mrs Brown's boys. It was about 5 minutes into the trip when I started falling into old habits without realising it. We got in the car and Dad had bought "long trip lollies" to mung on. We got halfway and stopped for a servo treat to celebrate. When we got to our destination we needed "supper" because we had missed dinner. There were all these little habits that I fell straight back into when I was with my Dad. I realised then how deeply ingrained these things were in my life as a child and how poor eating habits were the "norm" for my family. My family all have food addiction and my sister has passed that addiction to her children. I think my job, is to make sure that it doesn't go to our next generation. I don't want them to live the life I have, with constant fear and anxiety about what goes into my mouth next. I want them to see that their body is something that needs "nour...

The last two weeks have been far more than awesome! Boot camp is giving me a confidence and strength that I didn't know I had. When I am there, I am determined and focussed and I love it. This morning though, I hit a frustration point. You see, in 4 weeks at boot camp, I have been feeling progressively stronger, fitter and I've been beating my times etc. Last week, I did a head stand! I did a freaking head stand! This morning, my boot camp dude had a cross fit tryout for free. So, I headed along and although a little anxious, in my head, I knew that I could face any demons that came up and that I would crush them. So, the first 45 minutes was just getting our technique right, ready for the WOD. I COULD NOT get it right. My squats were tilting. My elbows were too low. My torso was sagging. My heels were lifting. My trainer made me take my shoes off to see if they were the problem. A little bit. Thrusters schmusters. I can do this. Then, pull-ups with a rubber band aiding me. Cou...

I went to boot camp this morning. I love it. Like, really love it! The PT said to everyone today that he loves that hone he looks over at me, I am always smiling! Even in the middle of a squat! It makes me feel empowered and I feel a sense of belonging there and we all know, that as bigger girls, gyms can have the absolute opposite feelings sometimes. After the bootcamp, I approached the PT and asked if I could have a quick 3 minute chat about my goals and nutrition. I let him know how I am eating 1000 calories per day and if I up the calories my weight starts going up, but if I workout more, I haven't got enough energy by the end to give it my best. He turned to look at me and said, "let me guess. you are about 90kgs right? So many of my female clients get to that weight and plateau". Then he asked me if I had some free time. We met at his office and he gave me a nutrition talk for 40 minutes. Did I mention that my PT is just one of those people that you can't he...

This week saw my holidays come to and end and I headed back to the workplace after 5 weeks off (sans biatch!) The first day back had such a positive feel about it. I presented a workshop identical to one I presented one year ago and had such different responses (positive feedback increased, negative feedback decreased). Then on the second day, we had a visiting keynote speaker come in to talk about growth mindset. Now, it's so funny, I was sitting there, thinking, I am so glad that some of the people in my workplace are hearing this. They won't know what hit their little fixed mindset world (insert Dr Evil giggle here). But, after 10 minutes I started to recognise some things about me that were definitely in the fixed mindset column. And after 30 minutes I realised, shock horror, that I have a fixed mindset. Even worse than that, I realised that my WHOLE workplace has a fixed mindset. http://danhaesler.com/about-dan/ This guy made me question so much about myself....

I have this thing that I hate about myself. It's maybe an anxiety thing or a lack of confidence, but I don't want to label it really to give it any power over me. My hubby calls it my fat freak out moments. It takes the form of changing my outfits ten times before heading out for the night and throwing each one on the floor with a "valid" reason for why it looks terrible, or maybe getting physically ill before I have to go onto the stage, or not applying for higher positions because I "know" that they won't hire me. It can also take the form of me becoming almost paralysed for minutes/hours/days before certain events and internally shitting my pants. This is what happened to me today. My little nephew is severely obese. He is 14 and I'm not even sure how much he weighs anymore. But at 10, he over took my weight and I was severely obese then too, but I was 35. He has just signed up for personal training with an ex-army corporal to keep his weigh...

I am back from the land of the long white cloud! And 12 days of cruising! Such a beautiful holiday! Let me tell you, New Zealand is gorgeous. I visited Auckland, Wellington, Akaroa, Dunedin, Tauranga and Milford Sound. I could live there. Every place was just picture perfect. We ate so much but thanks to Zumba and daily ten kilometre walks, no weight gain! Phew! Being back brings a new set of challenges. Back to work. Back to finding time for exercise with a full-time job, a part time job and my hobbies! Finding a way to eat without obsession. So, Welcome to my month with FitnessPal. For a month I am going to track everything that I eat and try to get my portion sizes and food balance/nutrient balance right. #goodbyeholidays FFF xoxo

I'm over reading about this lovely lady's pending nuptials and realised that I may have neglected to post my own wedding pics? Really? I actually felt pretty on the day. I mean, I made my debut at 16 and felt kind of pretty until I saw the other debutantes and they were all half my size, so then I felt like a heffa! But, on my wedding day, I felt lovely! And feminine! And 50kgs lighter! And, I didn't worry about my flabby arms cos I was too happy and excited to care (well, until the wedding pics came out and then I was like, "Why didn't the photographer tell me about that fat roll/that double chin/that arm wobble?). Here is the photo that made me take this journey (before) and my wedding day 12 months ago. i was wearing black which is, you know, slimming : ( My fave pic of my sis and I The dress ` My gorgeous dad and I This makes me wanna rip my band out and give her a great big hug! But, I have work to do still. 20 kilos! I'm 40 this year...

I love the welcoming feeling of the New Year. I love looking back on the year and thinking about what is to come, but most of all, how I can make the next year better. How I can make myself better. It's incredible how things can change your whole perspective of things. For the past ten years I have been working with someone who I once really admired, but five years ago our relationship went toxic. A few things happened and we were both caught up in this negativity and nastiness which just wouldn't go away. I am not amazed by the change in the other person. I was amazed at the change in me. I doubted my ability to do my job. I was anxious to go to work in the morning. I was nervous about making decisions and taking on roles that put me in the spotlight at all. It ate me from the inside out. It changed my positive attitude and I started to think negatively about things. Well, this toxic person has just transferred to another workplace and it is over 14 hours away and I am beyond ...